Posts Tagged ‘LOVE’

greetings!

last week, i posted this on my facebook page as my status message:

i am so IN LOVE with my life! = the magical space that i carry with me everyday. this feeling is always within us but we must also go through the discomfort, pain and lows in order to fully appreciate the beautifulness of each present moment!! i want to offer space to anyone today to reach out to me if you need some support, love and encouragement in your LIFE. you are and EPIC BE-ing of light, spirit and beauty and deserve to be shown that each day through your own eyes i am in deep gratitude for all that has brought me to this level of consciousness and oneness with my warrior Goddess and Spirit within. ❤ in maitri.

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these feelings have been building up ever since i returned from the Buckeye Gathering. (which i still have to share about on a post!) each morning, around 6:30 am, i prepare a cup of half-caf french pressed coffee (i am on the path to eliminate caffeine from my system after my juice fast showed me how much i depend on so little of it.) and i sit on my balcony to write. i am joined by the morning birds, 4 redwood trees, the sweet smell of dawn breaking into the new day and sometimes the neighborhood cats prowling about below. for the past 5 months, i have been writing down 3 things i am grateful for each day along with my daily intention. then, i just allow my mind to wonder and words to flow out of my pen to paper.

the amount of gratefulness that has opened up inside of me is directly related to this simple exercise. when i first started it, sometimes it was hard to find three things to be grateful for. my heart and soul was still in a painful place and not much brought me joy. but, as time went on, more and more came to life and i became grateful for the smallest moments along with the biggest accomplishments. if i have been able to reach this depth of gratefulness, you can too!

these are my thoughts from the other morning when i was thinking about how humans pass judgement on others. (note: the below excerpt is exactly how it appeared when i wrote it the first time. some run on sentences but that is the point of a streaming verse of subconscious thoughts in action! 🙂

stream of my unconscious thoughts.

the beauty and essence of my being is LOVE.
i am Love and i choose to be Love over fear each day.
i am not what society defines me as.
i am not my name. i am not my race, ethnicity, gender or sexuality.
i am not my diet, my clothes, my dreadlocks, tattoos and piercings.
i am not my words. my voice. my silence.
i am not my actions, thoughts and ideas.
i am simply a Divine Warrior Goddess of LOVE.
we all are love, no matter where we came from in this lifetime (or others.)
my Spirit transforms into my thoughts and i choose to act on them each day.
the energy from thoughts is what brings fourth all that encompasses every cell in my being.
i used to spend many moments living in fear and now i know that i can choose instead to live my thoughts, actions and words in LOVE. i strive to this higher being each day. it is my overriding intention for my life in this body, this soul, who is known as Heidi ‘chocolate puma’ George.
i am merely a vessel for something deeper than i can even comprehend.
i pray each day that others find this level of freedom within their own heart and soul.
my role is to be of service to others and channel the strength and power of my Divine Warrior Goddess to be the LOVE that we all so deeply desire and deserve to attain from others and most importantly from ourselves.

Aho!

phoxvnmto

mid-hike break to enjoy the beautiful view and warm sun! 🙂
deer park, fairfax, ca

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morning ritual: Daring Greatly and french-pressed cup of Guatemalan coffee beans from Sight Glass.

the V word: VULNERABILITY.

“we cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.”  –Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

i have been learning a lot about vulnerability over the past few weeks. i am currently reading the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. many of you might know her from the ted talk she gave a couple years ago called, “The Power of Vulnerability”. this is where i first learned about her and am now in the process of reading her books. Daring Greatly is her most recent book and it is about how the courage to be vulnerable can transform the way we live, love parent and lead.

each morning, along with a fresh-pressed cup of coffee, i have been reading this book. while i understood the correlation between shame and vulnerability, i found myself thinking that while i am vulnerable a lot in my life, i don’t really feel shame within myself. i could not have been more wrong! within the same day of having that thought, i later was caught up in the middle of feeling shame, fear, grief and “never enough” for a past relationship in my life. once again, i was in awe of the powers that we have within us to allow ourselves to have these feelings. then, to accept them, love them and release them. the moment i let go and let myself feel these intense thoughts, i immediately felt a tremendous weight leaving me. i had transformed those feelings of shame and worthlessness into love, compassion and kindness towards myself. these are the three feelings that i have been holding as my intention for this year.

i have always felt pride for myself in the light that i am vulnerable. but, we can always go further and push more through the vulnerability stream. although, there is a fine line of being vulnerable and sharing too much, too soon with another person. (this is discussed in-depth in the book.) i have been in both places. of letting it all out too soon and also not opening enough because of the fear and shame that i held inside. but, in the end, i always believe in LOVE. and, in my opinion, loving is by far the most vulnerable act that humans can express.

i came up with a list of how my life has transformed because i had the courage to be vulnerable:

* i always wore boys tennis shoes when i was a kid even though i got picked on for it.
* i was the only female percussionist in grade school.
* i became a vegetarian at age 13 while growing up in a small town in Ohio.
* i was one of the biggest Spice Girls fans. ever. and told everyone how much i loved them.
* i came out to my parents and everyone i knew, when i was 21.
* i tell people “i love you” even if i know they are not ready to say it in return.
* i lived alone for a year.
* i moved from ohio to san francisco without a plan or idea as to what i would do with my life.
* i have dreadlocks, tattoos and piercings.
* i’ve been fired from 3 jobs and have learned a lot from those experiences.
* i moved to a small town, not knowing anyone but had to follow my heart.
* i started doing crossfit before anyone knew what it was and would cry during workouts because it brought up so much emotions for me.
* i gave my heart to lovers. received loved and have felt the heartbreak that comes with the joy.
* i traveled through Ecuador for two weeks on a solo trip.
* i started to meditate.
* i read self help books.
* i started this blog.
* i went back to school.
* i ask friends and family for help when i am in need.
* i let more people into my life even if that means i may loose them later.
* i am creating my own health coaching practice.
* i let myself cry. when i am alone or around loved ones.
* i let myself be me.

i have developed more love, compassion and kindness to myself over the years because of these moments of vulnerability. i challenge you to do this exercise as well. think back through your life at moments you displayed vulnerability. write them down in a journal and maybe share them with your partner, best friend or pet. this is a powerful exercise and will fill you with even more courage to continue on your journey in life. we all have a story to tell and we all have a unique purpose to share who we are with others. keep the connection flowing and the love alive!

cacao pod tattoo (in progress)

the urge to feel physical pain had been gnawing at me for quite some time. while my heart had been in the process of feeling pain and offering forgiveness, i needed to feel it on my skin. i was craving the needle. craving the color. the ink. i was craving to have the birth of a deep-rooted design which has meaning in my life etched upon my skin forever. then, while meditating one night, the cacao pods spoke. i looked up and felt a beam of light pulsing from my heart to my altar which is covered in cacao beans i collected during my trip in Ecuador. it struck me and i immediately knew i was ready for another tattoo.

my trip to Ecuador was nothing short than amazing. i experienced every emotion under the sun during those two weeks but the last three days are what changed my life. my intention for the trip was to be alone and experience the incredible power of letting go and trusting the universe will provide no matter what comes my way. near the end of my trek, i was disappointed i had not been given the chance to play among the cacao trees. i had been seeking them out and asking the chocolate gods to show me the way but nothing had happened until i arrived in Tena. this was the last city i had planned to visit before i would return to the states, although, when the bus dropped me off, i wanted to go back to Banos. i had no desire to be surrounded by more tourists and covered in the dirt and smell of pollution. i felt discouraged and let down and halfheartedly wandered around until i found a decent hostel. i checked in and went up to my room. i sat down on the bed and said to myself, “seriously, heidi. this is how you are going to end your trip. there has got to be something more out there.”

ripe cacao pod

i walked downstairs to check my email in hopes of finding comfort from a message or a friend to chat with online. after almost two weeks of zero physical contact, my heart was aching with just the thought of a snuggle fest with my girlfriend. what i would give to be at home. but. still. this quiet voice in my heart kept saying that there was more for me to discover. my intuition was beating loud at the door and while i was not very present to hear the voice, my eyes were open to seeing the words and i spied a small flyer that read, “Chocolate Jungle Lodge“.

my body moved so fast that i felt like i was floating. i ran to the nearest phone and called the lodge to see if they had space for the weekend. my heart was racing and my whole body was sweating with excitement! the man on the other line said that i had 45 minutes to get to the dock and join a group of five friends from Austria and ride across the river to the lodge. i raced to my room, grabbed my gear and hopped in a taxi that was conveniently in front of the hostel. the drive to Misahualli dragged on for hours. or so it seemed to me. my mind was racing. the intention had been placed and all i had to do was let go of the outcome and then the cacao was brought to me! i was sitting in the back of the taxi with the biggest smile on my face! i had not experienced that much happiness during my trip until that moment. all of the hardship and heartache that i felt during the previous ten days was for this moment. to be on the way to play, explore and sleep in the land of the cacao!

mayan cacao god and pods.

this moment changed my life: i stepped off the boat and was brought to my room. it was pitch dark and i had no idea i was walking along cacao trees on the way to the lodge. my eyes were adjusting to the darkness and my heart was on fire. pulsing so hugely that i thought i was going to burst. then. i was alone again. i opened the door and that is when my breath was simply taken away. in front of me was the first cacao tree i ever laid eyes on and i began to cry. i cried for the happiness and sadness that i had experienced during my time in Ecuador. i cried and laughed at the craziness i went through to get to this one moment in time that will forever be a part of my world. through my eyes; only i can see what it meant to me. the expression of my heart and the tickle on my taste buds. knowing that i have eaten the most amazing chocolate that is produced from Ecuadorian cacao beans and then to be standing among them; this moment was pure bliss. it was one of my dreams brought to light!

this is a picture of the first cacao tree i saw!

this moment is what i have captured on my arm. the depiction that has been inked into my skin is from a picture of the first cacao tree i saw that night. the branch holding space for the perfectly placed cacao pods; one fully ripe with the fruity cacao beans and the other was in the beginning stages of life. they perfectly captured my experience of those two weeks in Ecuador. i ventured on that trip to break free from my shell and learn what it was like to explore life beyond my comfort zone and to dive into all that the world has to offer.

my cacao plant tattoo that is in progress.

tattoos take on various expressions for each individual person. for me, they tell a story and have deep meaning. my cacao plant tattoo is a way for me to express my love for chocolate and creates a pathway to open up a conversation with others and share the journey i am on. i do not let my tattoos define me. instead, they are a direct replica of what is painted inside my heart and now inked into my skin for the world to see.

i am so grateful for the opportunity i had to travel through Ecuador and the experience of having one of my dreams come true. these are the moments we live for and strive to create. but, in the creating, we have to be patient and understanding of how the universe is meant to unfold for us. we may be walking the right path but in order to create the dreams and desires of your heart, you must let go and trust your intuition. for your heart speaks louder than words and they are always flowing, if you simply open up and trust in your soul.

below is a video i made during my stay on the cacao plantation. please watch it to discover more about my journey and raw cacao!

i have often been told by people that i “wear my heart on my sleeve”; as if this were a negative quality to possess. however, i think myself wise to be so transparent with my feelings and emotions. are we not humans who have been given the ability to verbally express our truest selves to one another in hopes we will gain friendship, commitment, trust, compassion, support and love? or even heartache, loss, disappointment, hopelessness, loneliness and pain?

but, i don’t just wear my heart on my sleeve. i wear it all over my body. and not just my heart but my whole personality; who i am and the woman that i am growing into each day. this post is just that. my sleeves have been slashed and my heart has opened.

a little over six weeks ago, i was on a hike in the hills of Orange County, California with my then-girlfriend and her part honey-badger/monster-mutt. it was about an hour before sunset and we had escaped the cookie cutter houses strategically placed around a man-made lake, to soak up the last of the summer’s fresh air as it set over this beautiful region of Southern California. during that week long visit, there had been a great deal of tension between us and we (or maybe just me) were trying to salvage whatever was left of the love and friendship that had formed between us over the tumultuous past twelve months. and then came the signs.

first, i spotted a tarantula. then a beetle. while my girlfriend’s eyes were in the sky, she heard the cry and caught the flight of a hawk. no less than ten minutes later, we experienced the exact same three species in the exact same order! these were surely signs of nature that was speaking to our hearts.

symbolism of the creatures:

tarantula  maintains a balance from past to present and helps to awaken creativity and inspiration. she aids in understanding illusion and reality as well as spiritual and physical balancing. she will also aid in oral and written communication. when you encounter a tarantula, be aware and move with strength and confidence.

beetles aid in transformation, metamorphosis, resurrection and rebirth – rebirth of the soul to a new spiritual ideal and renewed devotion. they teach harmony in the coming changes by utilizing your intuitive abilities and teaches discernment where you need it the most. beetles teach persistence. therefore, trusting in the process will allow the regeneration of your spirit to prosper.

hawk teaches visionary power and clear sight with strong observation habits while using patience. he is a sign showing how to ride the winds of change, creativity and the power to surrender oneself to Spirit’s guidance. the hawk clarifies reality and reiterates that one is on the correct life path. be ready for a greater intensity to life for hawk will guide you in the mind, body and spiritual aspects of your journey.

after my journey back up north, i researched the meaning of these creatures and i began to see a clearer picture of my life and what was rapidly tearing at the seams: the ‘life’ that i thought i was living and moving into had suddenly changed course. instead of being in a place of partnership, connection and love, it had transitioned into pain, heartache and loss. my soul was in the middle of the road and digging deep inside was not giving me the answers. i needed to be guided and held and to trust that the universe would provide shelter when i could barely provide love to myself.

what did i learn from the signs of the tarantula, beetle and hawk?

tarantula encouraged me to explore my creativity by starting this blog. cracking open my heart like the shell of the beetle, i believed that i could trust someone again with my love. with the sweep of the hawk, flying fast into my body, i woke up to the voice of my intuition that had been softly speaking louder and louder over the last few weeks of our fading relationship. she helped me see that this was time for a separate transformation for the both of us. i decided to take that flight and trust that this was only the beginning of another amazing journey ahead.

now in the present moment: i was no longer in the arms of a lover but back in my own arms, for i am my own true lover. i will never let myself down because that would be the end. and when i have moments where i don’t want to emotionally exist in the world because the heartache is too unbearable, i just take a deep breath, whisper “i love you” to myself and i am immediately calmed by my own pride and joy from within.

you cannot ask of others what they cannot fully give you. you may be in a moment of passionate love and longing for connection but not really understanding what it is you want, need or can give. as harsh as that can feel, you must look inside and answer those questions. the communication that we have with ourselves is crucial to emotional and spiritual development. the love and passion and trust that we grow from inside us is what will lead us in the right direction.

i wake up each day knowing that i am here for a reason: to LOVE. to love unconditionally. passionately. immensely. throwing my whole soul and body into the expanding changes of the wind and riding on and just letting go. the universe is here to teach us but we must be open to listen and feel the changes. and when faced with those changes, you have the power to choose to LOVE or to be in FEAR.

“unless i love something completely, it will not reveal itself to me.” -rudolph steiner

i love completely. with my eyes wide open and my heart set free. my faith is strong, my trust is being regained and i am riding high on the waves of transformation. and i always tell myself that the best way to get over a broken heart is to just keep on loving.

if you feel open to sharing your thoughts on how you have overcome a difficult and transformational time in your life, please post below or message me privately. i am in much gratitude for the universal love that surrounds me during this period of my life.

namaste.

there wasn’t even a “3, 2, 1, GO!” blast off from my coach before he hit the timer, and, BAM! the WOD* was set in full motion. my body moving without even thinking where to go. i just tap into the muscle memory and the confidence that it will perform and move the way i want it to. placing my hands in the wide-hook grip position on the chalked up barbell in order to throw up some power snatches followed by burpees.
here is how the WOD* went down:
5 rounds
3 minutes of:
3 power snatch 45#
5 burpees RX = full pushup position
1 minute rest
Total reps each round: 43, 40, 38, 34, 40

this was 15 minutes of work and it took me over five hours to recover. you might be asking yourself, “why do you put yourself through this torture?” well, because i can and i love it and at this moment in my life, it is all that i have to get me through the pain that my heart feels with every breath.
when my heart is broken. the barbell is what heals me the most.

i tossed and turned all night in anticipation for this WOD. this is common with Crossfitters. we look at our gym’s blog the night before and see what has been posted. there are times when i dread the workout (and that is when i know i need it the most.) and then there are days when i can’t wait to turn those written words into a reality. to face my demons and go to that place in my mind where nothing else exist in the world but that moment.
the moment where it is just me against the bar.

this morning, i walked in with the intention of giving it my all and reaching past the pain, past the heartache, and past the gasping for breath to get one more repetition.
just. one. more.
in those minutes that passed, i couldn’t think straight but knew i was working through my shit. by the last round i was sputtering to myself, “you can do it. just do it.”
tap and go. tap and go. tap and go.
then i start to see black as i fly down to a pushup; jump up and clap. and do four more reps just before my coach yells time.
wasted, i roll over into child’s pose to let the tears flow and release all that i had built up over those minutes, hours, days, weeks and months leading up to this moment.
why do i do crossfit? because i know that what the universe has provided to me with over the course of my life has a constant flow of transition and i need to be prepared and open to the experience and all the magnificent unfolding. and, just like crossfit, my current life path has been “constantly varied”. there are many mornings when i don’t even want to face the day, let alone the WOD on our blog. but, i have no choice because the LOVE in me always over shadows the FEAR in me that i am constantly in battle against.

sure, this morning it was me against the bar. but tomorrow….who knows what will be thrown in the puma’s den. let’s just hope it’s only raw Chocoatl!

what do you do to bring yourself to your knees and surrender to the ways of the universe?

peace.

and to end on more of a lighter note: while i was doing my mobility after class, i remembered an old-skool Britney Spears song, “Me Against the Music” and then thought of the GLEE episode in which two of the somewhat closeted-lesbians recreated the video. if only that would have happened after i finally “came to” from my workout! 😉